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It's cowardly to run away but every day I find the idea more and more appealing.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to cut all ties and move to some obscure location, taking nothing with me and telling no one where I'm going.  Live in a jungle somewhere or on a deserted island.  Maybe I could make due in the mountains or somewhere in the dessert.

I'd never do it, but the thought is tantalizing   Sometimes I find myself just wanting to get in my car and drive for hours in a random direction until the road runs out, but even that I can't bring myself to do.

A Life Worth Living

It is, for some reason, exceptionally important to people that I carry on and persevere despite everything, but that's easier said than done.  If only they could feel the emptiness gnawing away at them from the inside; feel the despair resting in their bosoms and know the pain it causes.

If only they knew, maybe then they could tell me:

What makes my life a life worth living?

This Year

I've probably said this before, and I'm going to fight tooth and nail to make this the last time I say it, but I realized today that I haven't been trying.  I've gained some self awareness over the past four years.  Because of this, I can see many of the ways in which I need improvement.  I've come a long way from who I used to be, and I've made a lot of progress, but I seem to have stopped moving (or at least going at an exponentially slower pace than I used to).  I can't struggle through all of that change and end up settling for less than what I'd originally set out for.  I don't strive for perfection, I strive for contentment.

I was reading something today that talked about self awareness.  It happened to discuss a negative example.  It said that our scripts come from things that happened when we're little.  Then it talked about a child who'd grown up not getting the attention she/he needs, so they grow up thinking that they're unlovable.  When I heard this, I did what I always do when the subject of bad childhoods starts up, I started thinking about mine.  I've known I do this for a while, but I made it alright by saying that I'm not trying to make myself upset about it, I'm just recounting the tale; remembering where I came from.  But it's a lie.   I feel sorry for myself, and secretly, I want others to feel sorry for me too.  That is definitely not the kind of self conscious thinking I need/want.

So there I was thinking, "hell, I need to get over it", and it hit me.  I've been telling myself for a year that I need to get over it.  This is the present, and there isn't a thing I can do about the past.  I can cry and fuss about it all I want.  People can tell me how sorry they are about what happened but it's not going to change anything. It still happened, I still survived it, and it's still the present, not the past.  So I can think about it all day long if I want.  I could cry, and complain.  I could.  Or I could really, truly accept it for what it was and get over it.  It's pointless to think, "oh yeah, that was bad and it shouldn't have happened".  What does that do?  It doesn't change it.  Nor does it make me feel better about it.  So really, what's the point?

There are other things that I've been telling myself for a year too.  I've said them all, "I know I'm lovable", "I know I'm a good person", "I know this and that".  A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I "know" these things because everyone tells them to me at any chance they're given.  I know them because they've been repeated to me so many times that it's like a broken record by now, but as far as knowing it inside of myself, for myself, that's a whole other matter.  I wondered why I would still be having so many issues with self image and self worth if I really truly knew that I was a good lovable person, and it was driving me insane.  Well, I haven't been trying to change the schema in my head.  I've changed the list of sources I can site, but I haven't changed the script.

I realized that I'm fine with not changing, that if I can get by and apologize later for my downfalls, then I'm okay.  That is definitely not okay.  I also realized that I'm afraid to change. If I change then I'm no longer that helpless victim that I've been my whole life.  If I change it's going to be hard and I'm going to be even more uncomfortable than I've been in the past.  If I change it means I'll have to accept things about myself that I've never accepted.  And when I came to these conclusions I finally fully realized that I haven't been giving it my all because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it.  I'm afraid that I'll fail, so I give up before I start to avoid the disappointment of failure.  I give up before I start  so it's not difficult, so I don't have to deal with the pain.

But, not today.  Not this year.  I've said these things in the past, but this year is different.  This year is different.

I'm going to get healthy.
I'm going to get happy.
I'm going to keep truthful and personal journals.
I'm going to give it my all.
This year, it's going to be better.
This year I'M going to be better.

Upcoming Blog Topics

I haven't forgotten about my blog. I've been wrapped up in some things recently, but I hope to start typing regularly.  Here are some upcoming topics I've been mulling over:

• Write a blog about envy
• Write a blog about: Forgiveness is more than saying sorry, but it's also more than saying I forgive you
• Write a blog about wanting

Which would any of you like most so I know which to work on first?

Figuring out a Dream

As far as what I want out of life I'm pretty simple.  My main goal is to be genuinely happy, with both myself and with the life that I live.

As far as dreams go, I haven't necessarily had any long reaching ones.  Every little girl wants to be famous at some point right?  And I can still write a book when I'm retired.  I can even get into fashion, makeup, or photography through venues such as Youtube or Deviant art.  All of those dreams were nice, but they weren't very motivating for some reason.  One could say they weren't really my true dream, and I wouldn't argue.  Recently, due to my Learning Strategies Class, I've been pondering what could possibly be my real dream.  Having a wonderful loving family, that's a given and is in my near future.  But as for what to do after that, I had no idea, nor did I know if I even wanted to do anything after that.

But there was always something else on my mind.  There was always another dream slowly emerging from the pit of my subconscious.  I've thought of it before, but I never gave it much credit because it didn't fit with anything I'd ever considered before.  "Why does that matter though?", I asked myself today.  "It's still possible."  The more I thought about it the more I realized it seems like something I'd really enjoy being a part of.  So, I'm adding it to my little list of dreams and maybe someday I'll make it a reality.

You may be dying to know what this new dream could be.  It's semi-personal, so I won't reveal too many details but the short of it is this:  I'm currently working through some issues.  My dream in regards to these issues is to one day be happy and healthy, but I'm just one person.  There are millions more people just like me who have these very same issues, that are striving to be healthy too.  So it hit me.  What if I were to share my story with these people?  What if I could possibly give even one person the motivation they needed to get better?  I know there are days when it seems completely pointless, like I'm fighting an up hill battle, but when I read the success stories of people who won that battle it always gives me an extra shove towards my goal.  It restarts the fire and I know that it's not hopeless, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I want to add my name to that list of success stories.

I want to educate the public on this very prevalent disorder, and I want to build a support network for those who are healing.  It would involve both people who are in progress and people who have made it, so they can each give each other the love and support they desperately need in their battle against themselves.  I want it to be personal, and I want it to be intimate.  A lot of the sites out there that have piles and piles of information, but no one to talk to, and no actual person to give advice.  I want it to be a close nit community, where everyone can feel loved, comfortable, safe, and most of all, like they can trust each other.  After all, it would be comprised of people who share common ground; people who are struggling and people who have struggled.

I want to go and do seminars at schools or other local venues and talk about my story, and the story of everyone else who has to struggle. I want to be a guiding light to those people who are stuck in the darkness that is their disorder.  I know I can't change anyone, and I don't want to do that.  I merely want to  make myself available for a model, or at least for a source of information to those who want it (I would never think of forcing anyone to do anything, and a lot of people don't want or aren't ready for help, and that's perfectly fine).

I know that it'll take a while to get to a place where I can help people, because right now I personalize things too much and I end up triggering when I discuss these things with other people, but I know it's a definite outcome of my constant struggle.  I know that I can be healthy and happy, and I want all the other people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder to know they can be too.

I'm not ashamed that I have a personality disorder.
I'm not angry that I have it.
I'm not sad that I have it.
I don't let it control who I am.
I don't let it dictate what I do.
I don't let it hold me back.
And neither should anyone else.

It's About Accepting the Little Things

You know, I used to really hate my thick eyebrows, but recently I've come to love them.  I can't fathom why they were ever aesthetically displeasing to me.

I think in the search for self confidence, people tend to try and tackle everything at once.  Accepting every single thing that you've ever disliked about yourself at one time is tricky, difficult, and it usually doesn't work.  If you take it one thing at a time, one tiny detail after the other, eventually you'll have changed the way you look at yourself completely.

So yes, I love my thick eyebrows because they're sexy as hell when I do this:

'ey gurl, whatchoo doin?

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Question For You:

What's one thing that you used to dislike about yourself but you've come to love?

The truth of the matter

What are my goals in life? Well, to be quite honest, I don't have many. I only have one, and that's to

be happy. 

People assume that achieving things will make you happier, and while it does, it only lasts for a short time until you're forced to search for something else to achieve, and thus it's a vicious cycle. If I can't find the inner peace and happiness I long for without all the bells and whistles, well, I'm not entirely sure it's the real thing. 

If the only thing that makes me happy is accomplishing things, then it's not the happiness I want. 

I want a happiness that comes from inside. Something that's constant despite external things.

Yet, consistently, I'm made to feel like a failure because I simply do not wish to do anything.  Because I'm OKAY with my meager existence, and I don't want for anymore than I already have.  I can provide for myself on the money I earn. I can even have luxuries with the money I earn, and buy frivolous things.  I can save up for a vacation.  It might take a little longer than it could, but it will happen.  I'm okay with this.


Yet, I feel like a failure because I AM okay with this.  I feel like I should be motivated to achieve something greater. I feel like I should want a higher paying job, and that I should want other things.  I feel like I should want a job that works only five days a week. I feel like I should want a job that pays more than 8.50 an hour.  I feel like I should want so much more, and the only thing it's doing is making me miserable because the truth of the matter is: I don't.