Baby Steps

There is so much about myself that I have yet to learn, and I've basically stopped my process of soul searching; content with all the progress I've made thus far.  I now have a reason behind the things I do and say, but that means nothing unless I can change the way I think about them.

I have done a lot of work and made a lot of progress, but that was primarily due to Robert and Trina.  It's my turn now.  It's time for the hardest part of this wacky journey.  It's time for me to face up to my demons and accept responsibility.  It's time for me to be happy, to flourish, to be me.  It's time for me to try my hardest to /live/.

As I lay in bead and contemplated this, I tried to think of one major thing I needed to change.  It came rather easy.  There are certain things in this world that, for one reason or another, make all of us involuntarily angry, sad, etc.  The first step is to figure out what those things are.  What are your triggers.  The second step is to figure out /why/ they are your triggers.  What happened in your life, what did someone say to you once upon a time, etc., until you get a good picture as to why these things set you off.

That's where I stopped.  After I unearthed the reasoning behind my actions.  I hit the eject button and went on my merry way, but something happened in my head last night that was... miraculous.  I realized that simply knowing why was not the ultimate goal.  Simply knowing "why" would allow me to use it as an excuse, pardon my unacceptable behaviors, or fuel my negative thoughts when I'm sad.  No, that's not the goal at all.

You have to figure it out, and then you have to let it go.  

I can tell myself "I'm scared to say what I feel because of x reason and y thoughts", but /how/ does that have any bearing on my life now aside from producing these triggers in the first place?  They don't.  So what someone laughed at me for saying how I felt at one point.  Why do I now have to live my life in fear based off of what happened I don't even KNOW how many years ago?  It's kind of stupid if you ask me.

I can't do anything about what happened in the past.  I don't own a time machine and I don't have magical powers.  Nothing I ever say will make it fare.  What I /can/ do is change the way I think about things.  Stop using the faulty logic of a misunderstood five year old, and start thinking like an adult.  Instead of being content with the why's and hows, I need to replace them with truth.  I need to change my schemas, and that's exactly what I intend to do.  One little baby step at a time.