Beauty is Only Skin Deep [It Starts Somewhere on the Inside]

I typically have a hard time calling myself pretty.  I will always try to find some way around it.  I really have never said that I'm beautiful.  That's a no~no word.

At the same time, I'm moderately vain.  I constantly check in the mirror to make sure that my hair is right, or my make up is correct; making sure that what I feel coincides with what I see.  It seems to be a bit backwards with me.  I feel much prettier when I don't look in the mirror. When I finally see myself, my confidence instantly deflates.  So, while I am always trying to catch my visage in any reflective surfaces, I avidly try and avoid it at all costs.  It's like playing the wheel of fortune, and you never know if you're gonna like it or hate it.
It's mostly because I tend to focus on the negative things over the positive, choosing to focus on the ONE zit that appeared over night, as apposed to the good qualities I have.

Another issue is, I assume that the minute I start saying I'm pretty, or I start pointing out my good traits, someone will call me vain and state that I have no reason to be so.  meh

I'm assuming everyone has a similar problem, because we're all human. We don't always like what we see, sometimes we wish to change something.  I'm tired of it to be honest.  It takes a lot of energy to feel concerned and worried all the time, and it's generally very frustrating.  I've been trying to do a lot of inner work, in hopes of coming to grips with the reality of the situation.  I don't know if I'm any closer than I used to be to finally realizing my own beauty, but at least it's a start.

I always find it hilarious that I have such low self esteem, because I can't ever find anything wrong with my face.  I would say the problem is my weight, but that's a vicious lie.  I weighed 124 pounds in the 9th grade and I still felt ugly all the time.  I know it's all in my head.  It's just a matter of dealing with it.

So, I am going to list the things about myself that I like, and completely disregard the things that I dislike.  I hope that eventually, I can do this all the time without even having to think much on it.  Hopefully, someday, I can internalize this list and believe it all the time, no matter what.

• I absolutely love my eyes.  The shape of them, the color, my lashes.  
• My nose has a good shape to it.  It's small from the front, and it's got a nice slant from the side.
• My lips are nice and full, and they're generally very soft.
• My skin is strikingly clear, and free of blemishes.  It turns a lovely shade of brown when I tan.
• My eyebrows accentuate my features nicely.
• I have dimples in my cheeks when I smile that are cute.
• I have a small dimple in my chin that I think makes me look distinguished.
• My hair is very shiny and soft.
• My hair has very faint strands of red that show up in the sun, which I've always loved.

So:

I challenge everyone to list at least 5 things [physical] about themselves that they love.  Try to avoid words like "mostly", "generally", "sort of", etc. because those are wishy washy words and it means that you don't exactly agree with yourself.  Only list things you feel for sure.