This Year

I've probably said this before, and I'm going to fight tooth and nail to make this the last time I say it, but I realized today that I haven't been trying.  I've gained some self awareness over the past four years.  Because of this, I can see many of the ways in which I need improvement.  I've come a long way from who I used to be, and I've made a lot of progress, but I seem to have stopped moving (or at least going at an exponentially slower pace than I used to).  I can't struggle through all of that change and end up settling for less than what I'd originally set out for.  I don't strive for perfection, I strive for contentment.

I was reading something today that talked about self awareness.  It happened to discuss a negative example.  It said that our scripts come from things that happened when we're little.  Then it talked about a child who'd grown up not getting the attention she/he needs, so they grow up thinking that they're unlovable.  When I heard this, I did what I always do when the subject of bad childhoods starts up, I started thinking about mine.  I've known I do this for a while, but I made it alright by saying that I'm not trying to make myself upset about it, I'm just recounting the tale; remembering where I came from.  But it's a lie.   I feel sorry for myself, and secretly, I want others to feel sorry for me too.  That is definitely not the kind of self conscious thinking I need/want.

So there I was thinking, "hell, I need to get over it", and it hit me.  I've been telling myself for a year that I need to get over it.  This is the present, and there isn't a thing I can do about the past.  I can cry and fuss about it all I want.  People can tell me how sorry they are about what happened but it's not going to change anything. It still happened, I still survived it, and it's still the present, not the past.  So I can think about it all day long if I want.  I could cry, and complain.  I could.  Or I could really, truly accept it for what it was and get over it.  It's pointless to think, "oh yeah, that was bad and it shouldn't have happened".  What does that do?  It doesn't change it.  Nor does it make me feel better about it.  So really, what's the point?

There are other things that I've been telling myself for a year too.  I've said them all, "I know I'm lovable", "I know I'm a good person", "I know this and that".  A few weeks ago I came to the conclusion that I "know" these things because everyone tells them to me at any chance they're given.  I know them because they've been repeated to me so many times that it's like a broken record by now, but as far as knowing it inside of myself, for myself, that's a whole other matter.  I wondered why I would still be having so many issues with self image and self worth if I really truly knew that I was a good lovable person, and it was driving me insane.  Well, I haven't been trying to change the schema in my head.  I've changed the list of sources I can site, but I haven't changed the script.

I realized that I'm fine with not changing, that if I can get by and apologize later for my downfalls, then I'm okay.  That is definitely not okay.  I also realized that I'm afraid to change. If I change then I'm no longer that helpless victim that I've been my whole life.  If I change it's going to be hard and I'm going to be even more uncomfortable than I've been in the past.  If I change it means I'll have to accept things about myself that I've never accepted.  And when I came to these conclusions I finally fully realized that I haven't been giving it my all because I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it.  I'm afraid that I'll fail, so I give up before I start to avoid the disappointment of failure.  I give up before I start  so it's not difficult, so I don't have to deal with the pain.

But, not today.  Not this year.  I've said these things in the past, but this year is different.  This year is different.

I'm going to get healthy.
I'm going to get happy.
I'm going to keep truthful and personal journals.
I'm going to give it my all.
This year, it's going to be better.
This year I'M going to be better.