The truth of the matter

What are my goals in life? Well, to be quite honest, I don't have many. I only have one, and that's to

be happy. 

People assume that achieving things will make you happier, and while it does, it only lasts for a short time until you're forced to search for something else to achieve, and thus it's a vicious cycle. If I can't find the inner peace and happiness I long for without all the bells and whistles, well, I'm not entirely sure it's the real thing. 

If the only thing that makes me happy is accomplishing things, then it's not the happiness I want. 

I want a happiness that comes from inside. Something that's constant despite external things.

Yet, consistently, I'm made to feel like a failure because I simply do not wish to do anything.  Because I'm OKAY with my meager existence, and I don't want for anymore than I already have.  I can provide for myself on the money I earn. I can even have luxuries with the money I earn, and buy frivolous things.  I can save up for a vacation.  It might take a little longer than it could, but it will happen.  I'm okay with this.


Yet, I feel like a failure because I AM okay with this.  I feel like I should be motivated to achieve something greater. I feel like I should want a higher paying job, and that I should want other things.  I feel like I should want a job that works only five days a week. I feel like I should want a job that pays more than 8.50 an hour.  I feel like I should want so much more, and the only thing it's doing is making me miserable because the truth of the matter is: I don't.

Beauty is Only Skin Deep [It Starts Somewhere on the Inside]

I typically have a hard time calling myself pretty.  I will always try to find some way around it.  I really have never said that I'm beautiful.  That's a no~no word.

At the same time, I'm moderately vain.  I constantly check in the mirror to make sure that my hair is right, or my make up is correct; making sure that what I feel coincides with what I see.  It seems to be a bit backwards with me.  I feel much prettier when I don't look in the mirror. When I finally see myself, my confidence instantly deflates.  So, while I am always trying to catch my visage in any reflective surfaces, I avidly try and avoid it at all costs.  It's like playing the wheel of fortune, and you never know if you're gonna like it or hate it.
It's mostly because I tend to focus on the negative things over the positive, choosing to focus on the ONE zit that appeared over night, as apposed to the good qualities I have.

Another issue is, I assume that the minute I start saying I'm pretty, or I start pointing out my good traits, someone will call me vain and state that I have no reason to be so.  meh

I'm assuming everyone has a similar problem, because we're all human. We don't always like what we see, sometimes we wish to change something.  I'm tired of it to be honest.  It takes a lot of energy to feel concerned and worried all the time, and it's generally very frustrating.  I've been trying to do a lot of inner work, in hopes of coming to grips with the reality of the situation.  I don't know if I'm any closer than I used to be to finally realizing my own beauty, but at least it's a start.

I always find it hilarious that I have such low self esteem, because I can't ever find anything wrong with my face.  I would say the problem is my weight, but that's a vicious lie.  I weighed 124 pounds in the 9th grade and I still felt ugly all the time.  I know it's all in my head.  It's just a matter of dealing with it.

So, I am going to list the things about myself that I like, and completely disregard the things that I dislike.  I hope that eventually, I can do this all the time without even having to think much on it.  Hopefully, someday, I can internalize this list and believe it all the time, no matter what.

• I absolutely love my eyes.  The shape of them, the color, my lashes.  
• My nose has a good shape to it.  It's small from the front, and it's got a nice slant from the side.
• My lips are nice and full, and they're generally very soft.
• My skin is strikingly clear, and free of blemishes.  It turns a lovely shade of brown when I tan.
• My eyebrows accentuate my features nicely.
• I have dimples in my cheeks when I smile that are cute.
• I have a small dimple in my chin that I think makes me look distinguished.
• My hair is very shiny and soft.
• My hair has very faint strands of red that show up in the sun, which I've always loved.

So:

I challenge everyone to list at least 5 things [physical] about themselves that they love.  Try to avoid words like "mostly", "generally", "sort of", etc. because those are wishy washy words and it means that you don't exactly agree with yourself.  Only list things you feel for sure.

Sharing Love: A Foreign Concept

Every since I was little I've had a few problems with the concept of love.

Originally, it was merely my inability to ascertain what it could mean, or how it pertained to myself.  Over the years I've loved and I have been loved.  I've come to appreciate it much more than I used to, and thus it has taken up a large portion of my heart.

While it has become an easier subject to understand, there are still some issues I can't seem to sort out properly.

For some reason, in my head love seemed to be one giant mass.  Every time you loved someone else, you gave a portion of the mass out.  This applies to friends, family, pets, whoever.  Eventually, you'd get to a point where you don't have enough of the mass left over, so you'd have to take it from certain people and give it to the new people you met.  You'd also have the ability to take away love at will.  If someone has pissed you off royally, or hurt you deeply, you could completely devoid them of the love you once harbored for them.

So when I fought with anyone, I would feel lost and completely inconsolable because I felt as if they'd take their love away from me.  Or if I hadn't seen someone in a long time, I'd be afraid that they'd taken my love and given it to someone else.  If a friend chose to hang out with someone else over me, it was because they'd given them my love, or loved the more than me.  If a bunch of my friends hung out without me, it was because they didn't enjoy my company as much, thus they didn't love me as much.

I'm sure you can see why this thinking is flawed and illogical.  It's also extremely tiring to keep up and makes for jealous tendencies which I hate about myself.

I'm happy to say that I no longer hold the same beliefs of love that I once did, and that's due to many tiring conversations with close friends and family.  I now understand that love is not one singular thing.  It's more like a million different things.  Every time you love someone, you love them a little differently than you love someone else, and thus there are limitless "masses".  So trying to compare your love for you best friend to the love for your mother is impossible.  They're two separate things (thank you Lance for pointing this out).

You also can not remove your love from someone easily, so getting into an argument, not seeing a particular person, etc., will not make your love for them go away.  It may change the dynamic slightly, depending on the severity, but I think that once you love someone it's hard to truly rid yourself of that love completely.  And if you really love someone, you're not going to completely give up on them just because you argue with them.  Parents will yell, friends will be hurt, it's just a part of life.  People are people, and you're not always going to get along with each other, but that doesn't change anything.  At the end of the day, your mother still loves you even if you didn't meet her expectations, no matter how much you argued.

And if a friend is spending time with someone else it doesn't mean they love you any less in lieu of loving them more.  Their love for you is completely separate from their love for their other friends.  And if you feel as if you've been "replaced" you shouldn't because every one is extremely different.  It's not possible for someone to ever "replace" anyone else for the two reasons previously stated:  Because the love for the two individuals is different, and the two individuals are intrinsically different beings to begin with.

Having said that it is possible to become closer to someone else as apposed to old friends, but that's just the nature of things.  If you spend time with someone enough you're going to get to know them more.  It's how it works.

I'm rambling.  I'm sure I left some things out, but I can't think of them right now.

Thoughts?

Baby Steps

There is so much about myself that I have yet to learn, and I've basically stopped my process of soul searching; content with all the progress I've made thus far.  I now have a reason behind the things I do and say, but that means nothing unless I can change the way I think about them.

I have done a lot of work and made a lot of progress, but that was primarily due to Robert and Trina.  It's my turn now.  It's time for the hardest part of this wacky journey.  It's time for me to face up to my demons and accept responsibility.  It's time for me to be happy, to flourish, to be me.  It's time for me to try my hardest to /live/.

As I lay in bead and contemplated this, I tried to think of one major thing I needed to change.  It came rather easy.  There are certain things in this world that, for one reason or another, make all of us involuntarily angry, sad, etc.  The first step is to figure out what those things are.  What are your triggers.  The second step is to figure out /why/ they are your triggers.  What happened in your life, what did someone say to you once upon a time, etc., until you get a good picture as to why these things set you off.

That's where I stopped.  After I unearthed the reasoning behind my actions.  I hit the eject button and went on my merry way, but something happened in my head last night that was... miraculous.  I realized that simply knowing why was not the ultimate goal.  Simply knowing "why" would allow me to use it as an excuse, pardon my unacceptable behaviors, or fuel my negative thoughts when I'm sad.  No, that's not the goal at all.

You have to figure it out, and then you have to let it go.  

I can tell myself "I'm scared to say what I feel because of x reason and y thoughts", but /how/ does that have any bearing on my life now aside from producing these triggers in the first place?  They don't.  So what someone laughed at me for saying how I felt at one point.  Why do I now have to live my life in fear based off of what happened I don't even KNOW how many years ago?  It's kind of stupid if you ask me.

I can't do anything about what happened in the past.  I don't own a time machine and I don't have magical powers.  Nothing I ever say will make it fare.  What I /can/ do is change the way I think about things.  Stop using the faulty logic of a misunderstood five year old, and start thinking like an adult.  Instead of being content with the why's and hows, I need to replace them with truth.  I need to change my schemas, and that's exactly what I intend to do.  One little baby step at a time.

Plenty of Walking and Tons of Bug Bites

I've been trudging along under the swealtering sun for hours now and yet I don't even have a sun burn, but somehow I managed to aquire about a million bug bites, most of which are on my legs.  How is that even possible?  I'm wearing denim PANTS!  Did they buzz up my legs just to mess with me?   I don't even.  It is kind of funny though.  Actually, correction, I /did/ get burned.  It's just underneath my shirt... which didn't even come in contact with the sun.  UV rays, you confuse me.

As of nine am this morning I was officiall signed up for classes.  I didn't get to take Spanish because it was full (well, all except the 7pm class which I can't take if I want to work /anywhere/).  So here it is, my schedumal:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday:

English 201 [Brittish Literature to 1800] --- 11:00 am - 11:50 am
History 116 [History of Asia since 1600] --- 12:00 pm - 12:50 pm
History 115 [Serpents, Demons, and Divas in Western Civilization] --- 1:00 pm - 1:50 pm

Tuesday and Thursday:

English 207 [Survey of American Literature to the Present] --- 10:50 am - 12:05 am

I ended up taking two histories because the Biology would have been in a weird spot and I need to take the math placement test in order to take any of those. I could still change it to a math, which I might end up doing that (changing Eng. 207 to it), but we'll see.

Also, I figured it all out on a sheet of paper, and if I take 15 credit hours for 3 semesters, and take one math class next summer, I can graduate in 2013 like I was originally supposed to (only 44 of my credits transfered so I'm technically a "sophmore" this semester).  That also means that I can't get in enough Spanish to fulfill a minor, but I can always either do that over the summer as well, or go back for an extra semester.  It wasn't in the original plan, but I really would like it, so I'll have to see how everything plays out. 

ALSO ALSO!  This is the best news of the day!  I went to Financial Aid to discuss why I hadn't been awarded anything if my account said I'd satisfied all the cirteria.  The guy said it didn't make any sense, and he was confused as to why I hadn't been awarded anything, so he went to go ask someone.  About 10 minutes later, he returns and tells me I've been awarded everything I was supposed to be, and that I could now accept it. I ran to a computer lab and accepted all the grants, looking forlornly at the loans.  I REALLY didn't want to accept any of those.  BUT!  After everything was said and done, the grants total up to be enough!  They pay for a full year's tuition with enough left over to buy some used books! 

That is a huge weight off my chest. I've been worried recently about it, and I was scared that if I didn't get awarded anything soon I just wouldn't be going to college this semester, but thank the lord, I am.  I'm so excited now!

Only thing left to do is get my ID (which I was going to get earlier, but the line was way to long, so I'm waiting in the library for a bit), and my books, which I can't pick up till around August 15. 

Everything's working out fine.

What I've learned from this is there's no need to worry. If you keep a straight face and you check into things, they usually tend to sort theirselves out, and if everything's going to be okay regardless, why worry?  I'm going to try my best to remain positive.  It's going to make me feel better.

Also, also, aslo, I've been talking to an old friend of mine.  It's nice.  There's always this edge of not knowing if things are really alright or not though, so it's a bit weird for me. 

But yeah, so that's how today went, and now I'm off to obtain that card. 

~chiao

I'm Trying

That's all anyone can ask of me.

That's all I can ask of myself.

I can.
I will.

Life's pretty good.

:3

What I did

100 wall push ups
20 lat pulls
20 Behind the head... uh, weight things
20 backwards weight things (hard to describe)

100 Crunches
20 leg lefts (from the floor till I was flat while laying on bed. Really works the lower abs)

a 5 minute butt blasting video (basically just worked the upper thigh area and the bum. Makes them feel all nice and tingly)
30 Bridge lifts
10 Eiffel Towers (there's probably a scientific name for this but I don't know what it is)
20 lunges (both legs)

10 minutes of stretching

I was going to do cardio but my legs didn't want to work with me after all that ^

My legs are shaky, and my arms are as well.  I think I could do more ab work outs though.  I might just go do that.

On Being a Sore Loser

Among the things in this world that are annoying, sore losers have got to be among the top candidates for such an award.  They pout when they lose a turn, cry when they don't get their way, and become infuriated when their "master plans" are foiled.  On the other hand, they get rather cocky when things seem to be going their way, a fact which spurns even the most level headed of gamers and make them want to knock the little gloater down a few notches.

I'm sure we've all had the pleasure of participating in a scenario such as this:  The game starts out fun and everything seems to be going great.  All the pieces are accounted for, everyone is taking their turns in an efficient amount of time, and hey you're even winning.  But then disaster strikes!  Things take a turn for the worse when you realize that you're friend of five years isn't as even tempered as you'd like to think.  Suddenly, they become a raving banshee bent on destroying your battleships in anyway necessary. They'll even cry if they have to; big fat sloppy tears that always seem to disappear when your friend begins to win again.

It makes playing games with them torture if you're not of the trolling variety (in which case it's just plain fun).  You can't exactly tell them that.  They'll find reason to take offense, and then you'll have an even bigger problem on your hand.  No, you'll suffer through the thirty minutes of pure unadulterated agony.  After the game is over you'll politely refuse playing any further games with that particular friend.

All that to say, sore losers jeopardize the enjoyment of any situation.

Why do I bring this up?

It has come to my attention that I, Shannon Lanier, am a big fat sore loser.  It's frustrating becasue I used to never get upset about losing anything.  In fact, I was always the one who counseled other people in ways NOT to be a sore loser.  Oh wait, that's right, back then I hardly ever lost.  I would always play with my younger cousins, and you can imagine what kind of a challenge they were.  Even if I played with people my own age I generally made first or second place; rarely ever resting my feet on that lowly third place pedestal.  If I sound arrogant, that's because I secretly am.

Now that I'm older, and I'm playing games with people who are either on the same skill level as me or above it, I seem to be losing a lot.  Unlike in video games, I can't simply restart the match until I win.  It doesn't work like that.  There are no redo's.

How do I fight my inner urge to pout and get angry every time I lose?  That's a good question.  I'm not entirely sure what the answer is yet, but I know I've made a step in the right direction by acknowledging I have a problem.

A few things to remember:

• Games are games, they're made to have FUN
• Games cease being fun when someone makes it into something necessarily serious
• No one avidly enjoys playing anything with a sore loser
• Friends will avoid playing games with you if you are one
• Games can be replayed, you'll have plenty of chances to win
• Unless the winner gets a million dollars, it's honestly nothing to get upset about

I'm going to do some more soul searching, but I want my friends to promise me a few things.  If I ever behave in such a way that makes a game less fun to play, PLEASE let me know.  Maybe whisper it in my ear or something non confrontational.  Also, don't change your playing style in order to avoid upsetting me.  That just makes me sad because then I realize what a party pooper I really am.

***************************

What are your experiences with sore losers?

I remember my first experience was when I was pretty young.  I was playing a tennis game on some person's dream cast with my cousin.  I'd never played a sports game before in my LIFE, but I was somehow winning almost every single match.  My cousin grew progressively more and more frustrated with me until he go to the point that he was literally crying.  I had to stop playing the game and explain to him that it wasn't fun anymore, and if he couldn't change his attitude I wasn't going to play with him at all (I was a mature little 8 year old).  He realized he was being a cry baby and stopped.  He even shook my hand and said good game when we decided we were finished (even though I could see the contempt in his eyes).

Realizing that I do the same thing now really makes me sad.  I don't ever want anyone to have to put up with such rude and inexcusable behavior.  I'm going to work on it, I promise guys.  

Versatile Blogger Award

I forgot about this, and then I remembered it again.  I'm not really sure what it means, but I assume it means I'm doing okay. Well, as far as Tales from a Mother is concerned.  Thanks so much Amanda, even if you're the only person I know who reads my blog on a semi-regular basis, it means a lot to me knowing someone cares enough to take some time out of their busy schedule (and what a schedule it is with Zoey and Eli running around the house).

Seven things about myself.

1.  I generally blog how I would talk
2.  My goal is to lose 64 pounds before next summer
3.  I secretly grade my friend's emails for grammar, punctuation, capitalization, and flow.  It's how I knew I wanted to be either a teacher or an editor.
4.  My favorite desert is banana pudding, closely followed by cherry yum yum
5.  If someone can make me laugh, I pretty much love them (it's not very hard)

6.  Every single one of my all time favorite teachers has been an English teacher
7.  I used to have a thing for math.  Then it divorced me, took the kids, the house, the pets, and didn't pay me alimony.


I don't know any new bloggers unfortunately. I don't surf around the blogger community enough to find any, which is truly sad.  There are tons of wonderfully creative minds out there that I can partake in, and I'm letting that opportunity go to waste.  I'll have to search around tomorrow and see what I can find.

My blog's gotten a lot of new traffic thanks to Amada. O.o


The guidelines I was following:
1. Thank the person who gave you the award by linking back to them in your post.
2. Tell us 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 or 16 recently discovered bloggers.
4. Contact those bloggers and let them in on the exciting news!

**********************************

Have you ever gotten any unexpected, but very welcome awards?

"I've decided to be happy"

You know how sometimes you hear a song that really touches you?  Well, this song does just that.  


From the first line I could tell that this song would mean a lot to me.  "I've decided to be happy" they sang in perfect harmony, striking something deep within me.  I remembered a conversation I've had on multiple occasions, that happiness is a choice.  I'm always the first to spout that truth, hoping someone will gain some sort of self awareness from it, but I seem to have completely forgotten about it myself.  I've been out of it lately, but the truth is I haven't actually tried as hard as I possibly can to be happy.  


So, thank you Copper Wimmin for making me realize this very important fact yet again.  Thank you for reminding me that happiness is a choice, and thank you for reminding me just how much I want to be happy.  Words cannot describe.  


Lyrics:


I've decided to be happy
I've decided to be glad
I've decided to be grateful
For all I ever had
I've decided to let go
Of all this pain tonight
I've decided to let go
Of all these demons inside

I know...I am blessed
I know...all I ever wanted was this
I know...I don't need more
I've got... what I came for

I've decided to be open
For that little voice inside
Telling me I'm beautiful
It's okay to be alive
I've decided to be kinder
To myself when I am sad
I've decided to be grateful
For all I ever had

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What are some songs that really get you going?  What songs speak to you on a deeper level, and what do they say?  :)

A letter to my inner child:

'

[to truly appreciate this letter you have to listen to this song while reading it]

Hey you,

I wish I knew more about you.  I wish I knew how your mind works, and why you feel the way you do.  I wish I knew why you hide away and don’t want me to look at you.  Don’t want me touch you… love you.

You’re living in the past baby, holding on to things that are long since gone, afraid to let them go because of what it might mean.   You’ve got so much anger inside of you.  It surprises me how such a tiny person could have that much hate inside of them.  It scares me, to be honest.  You used to smile… and laugh.  You used to care.  You had such a big heart and you could handle anything.  You used to know how to trust, dream, hope… love.  What happened to you?

I know you were treated unfairly.  You were made to feel like you didn’t matter, like you were useless and unneeded.   You feel like you’re a stain on the face of this planet… and like you’re never going to be good enough.

You see yourself in the mirror and you’re not sure who it is.   Sometimes,you know, but other times… you search for hours and can’t come up with an answer.  You try so hard to prove that what you feel isn’t true.  That you’re heart isn’t empty and that you’re still worth something, but every time you start to feel confident you fall back down and scrape your knees; no one there to bandage them.

You’re so full of anger little girl.  You’re so full of hurt.  Sometimes you feel like you’re going to explode.  Other times you don’t feel anything.  You just want to hide away. You just want the world to feel what you feel.  To see it.  To understand you when you don’t even understand yourself.  You don’t want to hate… you don’t want to destroy things.  You despise the overwhelming anger you feel, and it hurts your little body.  You just wish you could love… but you don’t know how.  You try to comprehend it, but it’s just out of your reach, always teasing and pushing you away.  It hurts baby, I know it does.

But it doesn’t always have to hurt.  You don’t have to be mad all the time.  You can trust people; everyone’s not out to get you.  Everyone’s not going to leave you… and even if they do, I promise you that I will never ever abandon you.  I’ll be right here with you no matter what.  I want to help you through this.  I want to take your hand and lead you to the other side.

You are not alone.  I’ve been here this whole time, right there with you.  I see what you see, I feel what you feel.  I want to take your hand and pull you out of your corner.  I want to show you what you’ve been missing.  All the happiness you’ve missed.  All the bright colors you seem to have washed out.  I want to show you what it means to laugh again and I want to see you smile without any regrets.  I want you to see how much you’re worth.

Don’t push me away.  I want to know everything.  What’s your favorite color?  What’s your favorite smell?  What makes you happy, sad, and angry?   You can tell me.  I promise I won’t tell you to be quiet.  We can stay up all night talking, and I’ll show you what it feels like to be held when you cry.  I’ll show you that you don’t have to be strong all the time.  You’re a human being baby doll, you can have feelings too, it’s okay.  I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again, and if they do I’ll beat them up.  You don’t have to be scared anymore.  I’m right here with you.

We need each other love.  We need each other to be whole.  We need each other to love.  To laugh.  To be happy.  I have a whole right in my heart where you should be, and it’s waiting to be filled.

Rest your head on my shoulder,  I’ll take care of everything from here.  I love you.  I love you so much, and I want you to know that.   You’ve been such a tough little girl; tougher than most little girls have to be, and for that you’ve become so strong.  I wish you could see how brave you are.  How insanely amazing you are for staying even remotely intact after all you’ve been through.

You’re intelligent.  You’re beautiful.  You can light up an entire room with your smile.  You’re wonderful.  I wish you could see that.  I wish I could tell you that.  I wish you would listen. You deserve to love. You deserve to be loved.  You deserve so much that’s been taken from you.  Please stop crying… and smile again.  You don’t have to hide anymore.

I know you want to hate the people who did this to you.  The person who ignored you and made you feel worthless, but please don’t.  She doesn’t know how to love you like you should be.  It’s not her fault that she was made this way.  You should forgive her.  She loves you in her own way, and maybe someday she’ll get better.  Please don’t hold on to this anymore.  Everyone’s waiting to see you smile. 

Take the stage my beautiful angel.  It’s your time to shine.  I’ll be in the front row, cheering at the top of my lungs, because you deserve it.

You’re more amazing then you could have imagined.

I love you darling.  I love you more than you will ever know.

Now come out and shine.